Sonic New and Improved Life
by FAWcreator
Summary: Sonic is bored and decides to make changes. The last sonic story I made got bad critism so I made another. R
1. Chapter 1

Sonic was getting really bored with his way in life. He was sick of chasing emeralds because they get scattered somehow.

All his relationships ended in infidelity. And his friends were stabbing him in the back constantly.

Sonic: Tails I'm really starting to get sick of this Sidekick bullshit.

Tails: But I don't have any real friends except knuckles.

Knuckles Ok.

Sonic: Why don't you fuck Cream or something.

Tails: I don't got a shot since the "incident".

Flashback

There was a pool party where everyone got blitzed. Knuckles w/ Rouge in the back. Vector brought even MORE cocaine.

Tails saw Tikal Fucking someone imagining himself in that position and started masturbating. But he got too close to her.

He squirted all over her. She started screaming everyone showed up. Cream started crying. And Big knocked Tails out with a 2x4.

Sonic: That was one of the worst times I caught you mastubating.

Tails: Well you fucked Amy and Sally. I got nothing.

Knucles: I used to fuck her until uh I think last week.

Sonic: You guys are gross. I'm gonna take my daily dosage of speed.

Tails: We know you're gonna run away in super-speed.

Sonic: Sure.

He was about to get "speed" at his house but Amy came over. He locked himself in the bathroom.

Amy: Last night was wonderful.

Sonic: Uh-huh.

Amy: I think we should go out again.

Sonic: Whatever.

Amy: I saw this really gre-

Before Amy could finish Sonic came out bloodshot eyes.

Sonic: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I'M DOING DRUGS BECAUSE OF IDIOTS LIKE YOU GIVING ME SHIT ALL DAY & NIGHT!!

Amy went home crying. Sonic decided to go to the place.

Sonic knocks on the door.

Voice: State your business.

Sonic: The Smurf needs some more grass.

The door opens and it's Shadow.

Shadow: That's the 3rd time this week.

Sonic: I'm dealing with a lot of crap.

Shadow: I'll get the brownies out of the oven.

30 minutes later

Silver: Doors open.

Shadow: What the fuck! I'm not giving you any of my drugs.

Silver: I don't want your drugs. Sonic I'm sick of all this putting-me-in-all-your-crappy adventures shit.

Sonic: Maybe if you had a good power I'd give you more work asshole!

Silver: I do.

Shadow: All you got is that psychic shit.

Then Silver shoots a freezing beam at sonic's weed.

Sonic: OK that was badass but I've never seen you do that before.

Silver: Fuck you I'm gonna go to Blaze's house.

Sonic: I think he's gay.

The next morning . . .

Sonic: I think I'll go to Knuckles house.

He runs over there.

He opens the door.

Sonic: Hey Knu-HOLY SHIT!!

Tails: He fucked tikal and rough at the same time.

Sonic: What happened? All my friends are annoting,perverted, or drug-addicts.

Tails: There's always me.

Sonic: Thats it. I thin I'm gonna change my life for good. See ya.

Tails: Getting speed?

Sonic: You know it.

If you don't like this yet wait till I make more chapters. I'm not good at beginnings


	2. Chapter 2

Tails: Hey Sonic where are you?

Instead he found a letter.

Dear assholes went out for a while so stop contacting me.

Tails then decided to go to the chaotix.

Vector: So you want us to find Sonic.

Tails: Yes

Vector: 500

Tails: Fuck you!

Vector: Fine 50. By the way did you ever clean your "mess" at the pool party.

Tails: Shut the FUCK up!

Right as Tails left they went down to business.

Espio: You got the kilo.

Vector: Shit, let's go to Shadows.

Knuckles: Tails what is it.

Tails: Sonic left for a while.

Knuckles: That means that Amy is available right?

Tails: What?! No we have to go find him.

Knuckles: But I'm in the middle of something right now.

Tails: Fuck that we gotta go.

Knuckles: Are you getting laid right now?

Tails: No

Knuckles: So shut the fuck up and let me get back to the business.

Tails: Why do you have meaningless sex all the time?

Knuckles: Why do you beat off at parties?

Tails: FUCK YOU!

Meanwhile . . .

Shadow: Who is it?

Rouge: It's me.

Shadow: Sorry I'm all out.

Rouge: I don't want your drugs.

Shadow: What

Rouge: I found out Sonic just left and didn't pay yesterday.

Shadow: WHAT!!

Rouge: We need to hunt him down.

Shadow: I say we lure him to us.

Rouge: What do you mean.

Shadow: Get Manic.

Espio: Hey Shadow you got any coke,?

Shadow & Rouge: NO!!

Tails & Knuckles are walking to find Sonic when Tails runs right into Cream.

Tails: Hey Cream, how you doing?

Cream: Fine, You're not gonna spurt all over me right.

Knuckles starts laughing, Cream walks away, & Tails beats up a stranger.


	3. Overdue Payment

Sonic was looking for an apartment when all of a sudden he gets a call from Espio.

Sonic: WASSUP!

Espio: Listen, I overheard shadow & rouge talking about hunting you down with eggman.

Sonic: WHAT!

Espio: I don't have much time find your closes friends and run the fu-

20 seconds later. . .

Shadow: Hello Sonic.

Sonic: Where's Espio?

Shadow: Fuck him, when I get my hands on you, I willl kill you Bitch.

Sonic: If I were to make a cliche line from Riders, CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!

He hangs up.

Rouge: So.

Shadow: Beat the shit out of Espio.

Rouge: Then kicks Espio square in the temple, then Shadow gets a pipe and crowns Espio and hits him in the back repeatedly. Espio is now bleeding out his skull.

Shadow: Let's pay Mighty a visit.

Tails & Knuckles are at Knuckles house.

Tails:DO you think that pool party incident was that bad?

Knuckles: You sprayed my girlfriend.

Tails: For one, You have like 7 girlfriends, For two, I'm still maturing.

Knuckles: I think Tikal was traumatized after that.

Sonic bursts in.

Sonic: They're coming for me! I'm a fucking dead man!!!

Tails: Who?

Sonic: Rouge & Shadow!

Knuckles: What happened?

Sonic: I didn't pay Shadow for weeks! We have to get the fuck out of here!!

Knuckles: Didn't this happen in Less Than Zero.

Tails: Oh I admire Robert Downey Jr.

Soic: SHUT UP!!!

Mighty opens the door to his house.

Shadow: Wanna play a trick on Sonic?

Mighty: Sure.

Shadow: It's a ga-

Rouge: Fuck this!

She pulls out a pistol and shoots mighty.

Sonic: Espio what happened?

Espio: That bat bitch and prick mugged me.

Tails: Sonic I think you should pay him now.

Sonic: I'm broke!

Knuckles: Sonic: I got a text from Mighty.

They go over to Mighty's apartment.

Espio: CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!

Sonic: I'm confused, mad & sad at the same time.

Tails: You know what I do to feel good again.

Sonic: Masturbate by the pool

Tails: FUCK ALL OF YOU!


	4. No Other Choice

Shadow: Eggman we just beat down two chaotix what's next?

Eggman: Why the fuck is it just chaotix shit. You have to reach someone close to him!

Shadow hangs up the phone.

Shadow: Why didn't you let me finish my plan.

Rouge: We don't need to trick him if were gonna fucking kill him!

Sonic,Tails, & Knuckles go to Vector and Charmy's apartment.

Vector: So They're both in the hospital.

Charmy: I guess it's too late to ask for some weed.

Vector: Shut up.

Sonic: We need a more inconspicuous house to stay in.

Knuckles: It would be Big or Silver.

Sonic: Fuck Silver,

Vector: He would be a good option.

Sonic: Damn it, Fine.

Just then he gets a phone call.

Sonic: WASSUP!!

Shadow: That Budweiser greeting is really outdated. I have someone hostage right now.

Amy: Sonic help! they beat me and made me read ShadAmy fanfics.

Shadow: Just show yourself and she'll live.

Sonic: I don't care about her. She gives me reasons to do drugs.

Tails: Let's go.

Silver: Well if it isn't Sonic the Make-3-more-games-than-you-should've hedgehog.

Sonic: Listen Were gonna die unless we can stay here.

Silver: Give me 100 bucks.

Sonic: I don't have any money.

Silver: Here if you can take Blaze's rings I'll let you stay here.

Tails: Why?

Silver: Because she said that were "just friends" and that cat bitch isn't getting away with that.

Knuckles: What about for tonight?

Silver: Sure.

Silver: What's your problem anyway?

Vector: Have you seen Less Than Zero?

Silver: I love Robert Downey Jr.

Sonic: Shut THE Fuck Up and get inside!!


	5. Buffalo Tails

Blaze: How long has it been? 3 or 4 months.

Sonic: Yeah listen were gonna uh uh mow your lawn for 30 minutes so we'll be out here.

Blaze: Ok

5 minutes later

Sonic: Alright Knuckles you go in there use your charm and sneak her purse.

Knuckles: Got it.

10 minutes later. . .

Knuckles: Got it.

Sonic: That was fast.

Knuckles: Yeah Luckily I always keep a couple roofies with me.

Sonic: Let's go to Silvers.

Silver: Fine you can stay but no more Less Than Zero references.

Sonic Hang on I got a phone call. Hello?

Shadow: I have your brother and sister hostage as I have your girlfriend you have 3 days to get the money or I kill all 3 of them.

Manic: Help!!!

Sonia: Sonic please help!!!!

phone hangs up.

Sonic: Thats it I think I have only one choice.

Tails: You need 3 days to turn in the money.

Knuckles: I'm sorry Sonic.

Charmy: Aw Shadow gave me some baad weed.

Sonic: Charmy SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Tails: We need some sort of ammunition.

Vector: No one will sell us guns at this hour.

Knuckles: Tikal & her family have weapons.

Tails: Hell no!

45 minutes later . . .

Tikal: Hey Knuckles.

Knuckles: Hey I don't think you've met Silver or the Chaotix.

She greets everyone but Tails.

Tails: Hey.

Tikal: Fuck you.

Knuckles: We need weapons.

Sonic: Yeah Eggman & Shadow put a hit on us.

Tikal: I don't know.

Sonic: I brought a tape of them beating Espio down.

Sonic puts in the tape. They hear Goodbye Horses Playing in the background. And Tails pops out.

Tails: Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard.

They watch the rest of the video. Vector & Charmy are laughing, Knuckles & Tikal are traumatized,

Sonic is trying to take the video out, Silver walked out the room, & Tails is fainted on the floor.

Tikal: Showing me Buffalo Tails is not gonna let you get weapons!

Sonic: Fine! Thanks for letting my loved ones die you bitch!

Back at Silver's . . .

Sonic: Well that went nowhere.

Tails: Who filmed that party.

Vector: Tails you have a pretty small wang.

Tails: Shut up.

With the hostages . . .

Manic: I hope you get prison raped you black-red asshole!

Shadow: Shut Up!

Shadow pistol whips Manic until he's unconcious.

Rouge:Shadow you have some baad weed.

Shadow: Yeah Green hill Zone isn't the best. I'll go to Soleanna tommorrow they have good weed especially the Trial & captain missions.( Those were the worst missions I've ever played. Sonic 06 sucks.

Eggman: I can't wait for Sonic to witness his loved ones die.

Amy: Fuck Sonic I hate him.

Shadow: Really?

Amy: All I ever do is be nice and he treats me like shit. Can you untie me?

Shadow: Sure.

Sonic: I say we surprise them.

Tails: How?

Sonic: Silver you have any plastic guns.

Silver: yeah.

Sonic: I say we do this Airheads style.

Vector: Didn't they go to jail at the end of that movie?

Sonic: Shut up it'll be badass.

R&R


	6. The Airheads way

Shadow: If they don't show up I'm gonna paint the wall with your blood, Manic.

Manic: Why the fuck do you want to kill me.

Shadow: FUCK You I remember a while ago I watched Sonic Underground so were even.

Eggman: Jet you ready with the lookout?

Jet: Not in site their still no-

All of a sudden a van popped up.

Silver: Hey green guy you know where the nearest zone is.

Jet: Yeah sure.

Jet walks up to give him directions. When the back pops open and out come Sonic, Tails, & Knuckles with "guns".

Sonic: Don't YOU FUCKING MOVE!

Jet: OK! Don't shoot!

Tails: Fuck you Knux give him hell.

Knuckles: My pleasure.

Jet: My eyes!!

Tails: What hot sauce?!

Sonic: What didn't you see Airheads.

Knuckles: Fuck it lets go inside.

Sonia: Please just end this!

Shadow: Shut up bitch.

Sonic: 1. . . 2 . . . 3!

The door busts down.

Sonic: Drop your fucking weapons.

Shadow: Ok relax.

Sonic: Tails grab them. Knuckles: Untie my siblings and Amy.

Tails grabs the weapons, Shadow has a smug look on his face, & Knuckles unties Manic & Sonia.

Knuckles: Where's Amy?

Sonic: Amy I never tho-

Sonic gets pistol whipped in the back of the head.

Amy: Now you remember me dick!

Eggman: that's right Sonic youre screwed.

Sonic: Please Amy don't kill me.

All of a sudden the window breaks open and in come Vector & Charmy. It's Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Vector, & Charmy on one side. And Amy, Shadow, Rouge, Eggman, & a very blinded Jet. They start shooting. Eggman quickly escapes through an open window. Rouge gets shot in the shoulder. Due to Shadows crappy aiming( Shadow the Hedgehog video game) he let Amy take care of them as he went to the hostages. Sonia ran away but Manic got caught by Shadow. Jet gets shot twice by Tails as he escapes for a little while. Rouge leaves leaving Amy all alone. Those 5 go up to Amy.

Sonic: Amy there's one thing I wanted to say, I'm sorry.

Knuckles: Son of a fucking bitch.

Amy: For what?

Charmy: Sonic 06.

Sonic: Why don't you two wait in the car.

Sonic: None of this would've happened if I wasn't a little nicer. And if we ever get out of this I'd love to go on a second date.

Tails: And thus a fandom was born.

Amy: Ok. Thanks.

Shadow: Hey Sonic I'll leave you 2 an anniversary present.

He shoots Manic in the temple and runs away.

Sonic: NOOOO!!!

Sonic goes to his brother, Amy calls an ambulance, Tails & Knuckles awkwardly go to the van.

35 minutes later they're all in the van.

Amy: How are you feeling?

Silver: What happened? Did Sonic get the reviews of Black Knight.?

Tails: Shhh.

Knuckles: They still have Sonia.

Sonic: I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this.

He takes the hot sauce out of his gun and switches with bullets.

Vector: About fucking time!

Charmy: Why didn't you do that in the first place!?

They're at Silver's place. . .

Blaze: Silver you asshole where's my money.

Silver: Fuck you you shouldn't have befriended me in the first place Now get the fuck out of here pussy cat.

Sonic: I'm gonna find Eggman.

Knuckles: We'll come too.

Sonic: No every time you come with me something bad happens. Fuck you Tails. Fuck you Knuckles. FUCK EVERYBODY!

Tails: C'mon Knux let's leave this fucker to his whiny bitch games.

Knux: And by the way Amy when you guys went on the first date Sonic was fucking Sally.

Amy: WHAT!

Charmy: Fuck you Sonic.

All 5 of them leave Sonic cursing a fucking shitload of cursing.

Sonic: Fuck you guys I'm progressing with my quest for new friends anyway.

Silver: I know you're sister's held captive, you're brothers presumed dead, & you lost your friends, but now you can GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE!!!


	7. Chief of Security Targeted

Sonic: Hey Tails.

Tails: I heard Manic's okay.

Sonic: Yeah

Tails: What are you gonna do now?

Sonic: I don't want more enemies. I'm gonna apologize to Amy.

Tails: I should say something bef-

Too late as they showed up & Sonic & Tails barge in.

Sonic: Amy I want to I'm so- HOLY SHIT!!

Tails: I warned you.

Sonic: You're Fucking Knuckles!!

Amy: Yes a real man!

Knuckles: Hey Sonic uh .. uh what's up.

Sonic: Fuck this I hope you both get VD!

20 minutes later . . .

Tails: What's the plan Sonic.

Sonic: We need to send a message to Shadow. Let's beat up Jet.

Silver: I couldn't help but overhear from this bush but uh-

Sonic: What now.

Silver: These past few days were a huge adrenaline rush.

Tails: You barely did anything.

Sonic: Fuck it. Do you know where he is right now?

Silver: I think he was part of a promo for olympic games.

Sonic: Ok wait why?

Silver: Well the game sucks so they used just about anyone for promos.

At the Promo . . .

Jet: Fuck this commercial where's my money!?

Storm: Don't worry 2 more scenes.

Jet: Yeah whatever Wave better not be swallowing right now.

Storm: Yeah because that joke never gets old asshole.

Jet: Whate-

Sonic & Tails barge in. Sonic bounces into Jet while Tails plays cat-&-mouse with Storm. Jet hits Sonic with a hoverboard & Storm stomps down Tails.

Jet: What kind of plan was that? I guess that's why Sonic 06 was made along with Silver.

Silver: At least I was in Rivals and not Riders shithead!

Silver hits Jet with a baseball bat & breaks his board. Tails kicks Storm in the groin & hits him with a camera booth. then Sonic breaks Jet's leg with assorted items.

Jet: Alright what do you want.

Sonic: Tell Shadow to meet me at green hill.

Shadow: I don't think thats an option fucker.

Shadow holds them at gunpoint with Amy trapped in his arm.

Amy: Sonic Help!

Sonic: Fuck you Amy!

Eggman: Enough of this shit take them out.

Just then Knuckles comes in with an AK, Shoots at them, they escape but Shadow drops Amy.

Knuckles: Does that make up for this morning.

Sonic: A little.

Tails: Amy you alright.

Amy: Yeah but now I'm re-

Sonic: Do us a favor and Shut the fuck up!

Just before she offers rebutle.

Silver: nevermind that shit, wow what a rush. If only I got this through Sonic 06. What's next chief?

Sonic: We sent the message lets target another brick wall.

Tails: I really like this A-Team ending right here.

Sonic: I love it when a plan comes together.

Knuckles: Shut up.


	8. Crazed & Confused

Tails: Don't you ever actually love someone before you have sex with someone.

Knuckles: Yeah Julie-Su but yeah , it got ugly, don't want to go into it.

Tails: Wow.

Sonic: Alright eggman called me & told me where we can work out a deal.

Tails: Where?

Sonic: On this map. He said no weapons & lets not turn this into a Peter vs Chicken fight.

Knuckles: Family Guy jokes? How does it get any worse than this!? Fuck!

Just as they leave Amy walked up to them.

Amy: Sonic let's put this behind us & date again.

Sonic: Ok just stay away from this meeting.

30 minutes later they arrived & Shadow, Eggman, Jet, & Rouge w/ Sonia held captive.

Sonic: Alright let's get this over with.

Eggman: Fine, we will give you Sonia in exchange for the video game franchise.

Sonic: What? I know what this is? You didn't like your character in Sonic 06 didn't you.

Eggman: Well duh you made me look like a fat power ranger.

Knuckles: Captain Golden Nipples is right. He wants us all out of jobs.

Eggman: Fine I guess I'll have to cancel it. Shadow.

Shadow pointed a gun at Sonia.

Sonic: Alright let me discuss in a group discussion among us 3.

Tails: I think there's only one option.

Sonic: Yeah but it'll jeopradize everything. Think about it. Our new game is in progress.

Knuckles: But he's gonna kill your sister.

Sonic: Fuck. Well I guess there's only one option.

Sonic walked up to them very reluctantly. Rouge & Jet held up guns

Sonic: Alright Eggman here's the deed.

Just then a car drove through almost ran over Eggman's minions picked up Sonia & drove off.

Eggman: What the Fuck.

Sonic kicked him in the balls.

Sonic: Run!!

They start running away.

A car with Eggman & his minions chased them and shot at them.

Tails: What the hell are we gonna do now!?

That same car with Amy , Sonia, & the mystery driver was right next to them.

Tails and Knuckles jumped in. Sonic was about to but Shadow shot at him almost every time.

Sonic ran up a fire escape. The good car drove around. While Shadow got out of the evil car and ran up with him.

Shadow: Give up Sonic! Pay your fines!!!

Sonic: Fuck you!

Sonic made it to the top went to the other side, looked down as the good car stopped. He turned around to see Shadow ready to shoot him.

Shadow: C'mon Sonic You have 3 choices. Pay us 400 grand, give us the deed to your franchise, or DIE!!!

Sonic: Go ahead either way I'm fucked. All I did was try to find new friends, a new life, & new activities. I thought drugs would help bu-

Shadow got sick of it shot him in the chest area.

Shadow: I don't have time for bullshit.

Then he quickly ran down the fire escape as Sonic fell of the building. But what Shadow didn't know is that Sonic fell into the good car.

Amy: Sonic!

Tails: What happened?

But Sonic passed out.

Sonic woke up 3 hours later at a hospital. He woke up to everyone who helped in getting Sonia back.

Tails: How do you feel?

Sonic: Dazed & Confused.

Knuckles: That was a good movie.

Amy: Shut up. Sonic I'm so glad you're okay

Sonic: Blaze what are you doing here?

Blaze: I was driving the car. Amy told me kearlier. You should stick with me. I know what a lot of gangs do.

Sonic: How?

Blaze: Don't ask.

Sonic: Where's Sonia?

Amy: She's at my house. Why didn't you tell us about it.

Sonic: I was on a quest to reinvent my choice of friends. Let's group up on this later. Let's talk at my place.

They drove back to his neighborhood.

Sonic: Let's get in.

Just then it blew up.

1 minute later. . .

Sonic: I can't believe they blew up my house.

Tails: C'mon let's go before something else happens.

Meanwhile . . .

Eggman: Alright so you killed him.

Shadow: Yes I shot him off the building.

Eggman: You grab the deed.

Shadow: Uh no.

Rouge: Fucking moron

Eggman: Goddammit!! You 3 idiots grad that deed.

30 minutes later . . .

Shadow: This is where he fell.

Rouge: That's funny there's no blood spatter.

Jet: At least he's dead. Let's go.

He went to their car but it burst into flames.

Shadow: Fuck!!

Then they saw a car leave very fast.

Shadow: He's still FUCKIN ALIVE!!?

Sonic: Nice bomb Blaze.

Blaze: You should probably stay with me.

Amy: Hey.

Sonic: Sorry Amy she knows what she's doing plus they know you we should all stay with her.

Tails: Alright.

Blaze: damn(Quiet).

Amy: What was that?

Blaze: Nothing.

Tails: What now?

Knuckles: I know.

Then they went to Blaze's house & watched Dazed & Confused.

Knuckles: I love this movie.


End file.
